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| Wow!!! That's really all I can say at this very moment. Today has just been wonderful and new and from God (not that all other days aren't from God, but you understand). I got done with class and had this overwhelming feeling that I should go to the lake and just sit. Many of you probably see this as another way to procrastinate for me, but it wasn't.... it definitely wasn't. After calling people to go with me, all giving responses that detained them from going, I knew that God just wanted me there. Why is it that this thought was so exciting, and yet so horrifying at the same time?
The lake brought me new life, God brought me new life. Walking down paths already pre-made by the footprints of hundreds of others, I realized that God was trying to get my attention. There was freedom in this place. However, I felt that freedom for some others who had come to this place had been contained in the rut made by the rest. Most before simply followed what the rest had done, going places by the water where previous explorers had already carved their names in stone. I didn't want to be like everyone else; I wanted to stray from the path and find the freedom that lay in the unexplored areas. Wow, I wonder how God feels. It's funny how I let Him into the places in my mind and in my heart that everyone else gets to be a part of. How could I even ask to be freed from this path when I haven't given God the freedom to wander where He wants in my life, not only into the open areas by the shore that everyone else is permitted to see, but also into the closed off areas in the forests that are difficult for just anyone to reach: my doubt, my fear, my hatred, my complacency, my hypocrisy, my jealousy, my pain, my sin, my heart?
As I walked back to my car I saw the initials carved into the rocks all around the shore. What will my inscription look like? Where will I find my initials' resting place? Who will be affected by my name? | | |
| Back to the grind....
I have come back to school now in January just as quickly as I left it a month ago in December. What happened in that time? My 20th birthday, Christmas, New Year's (Which in my opinion is the most worthless "holiday" ever), and a quite eventful trip to Fort Worth to see my roommate. Other than that I did nothing, actually I sat around and watched movies and pondered what is now and what will be in the future.
Of course all of us have thought about the future, but I have, for some reason, been specifically thinking about friends in my future. I will have to say that I feel like I only have a handful of friends that I can even remotely see being in my future. However, it's quite amusing when you think about it, how many of us are so sure of who's going to be there for the rest of our lives. I'm going to get down to the point; I have no idea what my future is going to bring. Yeah I have plans that I think I'm going to pursue, but that is not to say that I will actually continue on that path. I have been feeling so naive lately. I feel like my thoughts, emotions, and all that is in me tells me that certain people will be around forever, but then when I actually get down to it (even with the plans that I have as of now) I can't see very many of those people still being in my life.
This is not to say that I'm cutting ties with anyone, it is only thoughts on paper. God has placed me where I am now for His purpose, not my own (Something I have to repeat to myself constantly). So the friendships I have at this moment will continue to be so, and I can only hope that God keeps those people in my life somehow.
The semester begins.... | | |
| So everyone is now going home, and I am sitting in this stinking office waiting to watch more people leave. It's so crazy because last year I was the one leaving on Wednesday instead of the one watching everybody go. In some ways, it's kind of depressing, knowing that you won't see those people that you have become so comfortable around for a few weeks. Maybe we need this time to get away, I really feel like I do. I've become so used to seeing certain people that I think I'm beginning to take them for granted, and that's definitely not what I want to do. I think that I've also begun taking for granted those that I don't see all of the time, especially people from home. I figure that they will just be there when I get back, that they will be there when I'm ready to see them. That's not the way life should be. I should cherish every moment I get to spend with each person on this earth. How am I supposed to know when the last time I will get to be with them will be?
I think that is what my resolution for this new year will be. Simply, to cherish those relationships that I already have along with not taking for granted those that I'm building or perhaps haven't yet made. I feel like I've been down a lot lately, and no one deserves to see me this way. I am not myself. I don't deserve to see me this way. I was asked last night what I would change about myself if I could, and I knew my answer as soon as the question was asked..... my thoughts. I dwell on things that I shouldn't even worry about and disregard things that I should pay more attention to.
"Take my thoughts and make them Yours Lord," is something I pray too often. Now is the time for change, now is the time for a revelation. God, as David prayed, create in me a clean heart, don't just change it around or break my heart. I want you to create an entirely new one, one that will serve You and not myself, one that will love You above all else.
Thank you to everyone who has been bearing with me, your compassion does not go unnoticed. I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, and I hope you find yourselves in the arms of those you love. Remember what Christmas is about, it's about giving of yourself, it's about sharing with your family, it's about loving as Jesus loved us. May God touch Your heart with this season, and grant those requests which are of His will. | | |
| Alright, so I figure I'll change up the font because I'm sure most of you are getting tired of the same ole' same ole'. Man, this week is just a crazy one. Finals keep coming and I keep cramming. Sometimes I just don't think there is enough room in this brain for all of the information, but somehow God seems to keep finding ways for me to recall at least enough of what I need to get by. I simply don't understand His ways.
So.... there's this girl. I know what you all are thinking... there's always a girl, but this is no ordinary girl. She is my best friend. I feel like there is nothing that can keep us from being in eachother's lives, and I feel like I always want to be in her life in one way or another. Many of you probably won't know who she is, but if you did you would love her. I mean, what's not to love about her? After saying all that, I think I made one of the hardest decisions ever last night, but I know it was the best one. My selfishness has gotten in the way for far too long, and I have come to the realization that I need her to be in my life.... as a friend, as a companion, and even as a crutch sometimes. I know that God will take my decision and create something out of it, but this is one of those times that a person would think, at least I would think, "I wish I knew the outcome already."
God take care of us all like we know you do. If only we weren't so complacent about what You are doing, about Your will, maybe we would realize that You are working hard for us. It's so sad that we feel like we need You to do more for us than what Your Son has already done, but we come to You once again asking for You to provide. Provide strength; provide hope; provide grace; most of all, provide love.... | | |
| I just can't get it out of my head......
When the storm is dark, where is the light? Has it been clouded over temporarily? God just reveal yourself to me for a split second; I just want to see what direction You're yelling from.
It feels like I have been sulking to no avail. Maybe I need to pick my face up off the ground and search for You instead of screaming into the blankness from my closed eyes.
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